Chapter 1
One long night
Two men running down a hill side away from the forest, they ran urgently, to a decrepit cabin. The first man had light brown hair with a athletic body, sweat running down his brooding face, is Drake DeNaro. The second man had ink black shoulder length hair and muscular frame, having a hard time breathing through his big grin as he sprinted, is Jaco Twizz.
"Hurry! yelled Drake "Curse you, Jaco, you bastard! stop laughing it, wasn't funny!!"
between panting breaths Jaco replied "How can you not!? Those idiots deserved it but when you fell on your arse! It took away your physique of being a 'powerful sorcerer'!"
Jaco almost fell over at the memory on a new round of laughter.
" I swear if you don't stop laughing, I'll kill you!" Drake threatened
Jaco made a mocking ominous tone "Step away if your life means anything to you- and you fall!"
They reached the cabin; it was dirty and full of dishes, unwashed, along the floor and shabby table.
"That was fun!" Jaco panted as he moved the towers of plates off the table to the cluttered shelves.
Drake came over to Jaco and punched him in the face. "That's for laughing." he growled "Oh yes, it was fun having to dodge men that had heavy artillery to fore fill our death wishes and us with nothing but our brains, that could of been shot out at any moment, yet...." His voice took on a lighter tone with a growing smile playing around the corners of his mouth "we got it."
Jaco grinned mischievously through his swelling cheek as Drake reached deep into his pocket to pull out a small silver cross; placing it down on the table.
It was Landzarr's Cross from the 19th century; Queen Landzarr was to be beheaded for a crime, the king, accused her of; at her last attempt to save her life she went to a gypsy to explain her innocence. The gypsy asked for her necklace of the cross. Cursing it, that as long as the queen wore it that who ever tried to harm her would be the ones to be harmed, becoming virtually immortal.
Drake sat down in a wicker chair next to Jaco. He sighed "What do we do now?" staring at the cross.
"Should we head to headquarters tonight or wait until they are ready for a drop off?" Drake wondered looking through the dusty kitchen window.
Jaco leaned back putting his hands behind his head "Ah, the life of a Treasure Guards; we wait and wait."
Drake chuckled "true...though one of us will have to stay up tonight"
"I'll do it." Jaco volunteered "You look like your going to past out old man. I'll make sure to wake you when those thieves have a gun to my head."
"hopefully that won't happen." Drake stated glumly
"What great waves of positivity, Drake! your getting better at it everyday!"
An interesting start to fantasy-comedy type tale no doubt. However, I did notice a lot of little technical errors, just grammatical stuff. If you'd like, I could help clean it up for you a bit.
ReplyDeleteThank you but its alright I don't mind having errors; for this is still a rough draft, of course its much improved from what I first wrote. Were they terrible noticable or do you have an editer eye?
ReplyDeleteYou really thought it was funny?! Its my first time trying to write some humor into my stories, that's great if you did. ^_^
Its a huge mix with National Treasure, Sherlock Homes,and Indiana Jones. Well that's what i'm going for anyway.
I got about 40 pages of it that I can type up; if your interested. the reason i stopped writing it was because i used to be extremely poor at making plots but i think i know where i'd like this story to go now.
Eh, I am something of a perfectionist when it comes to all that. I can totally understand wanting to take care of all the little stuff yourself though :)
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, I definitely got a sense of the humor you injected. I'm glad you got a idea of where your story is going though. Looking forward to seeing more.